Why I Stopped Apologizing: I Ain’t Sorry

While I think that apologizing is important to maintaining healthy relationships and remaining humble, I have also come to realize that it is overused and often unnecessary. Unless you are a toddler who is just learning social norms and walk around hitting everyone you meet, you should not find yourself apologizing to anyone daily.

Apology: a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

An apology can go a long way to heal a relationship, broker forgiveness, or let a loved one know that you never intended to hurt them. Being on the receiving end of a sincere apology can make you feel loved and appreciated. But apologizing when it is not truly warranted can have a damaging impact on whoever is offering up the regret. When you apologize, you are in many ways, acknowledging some sort of a failure or shortcoming. If you are indeed in the wrong, that acknowledgement can bring about some necessary reflection and promote a deepened sense of self-awareness. But if that apology is only intended to appease another and not truly a reflection of something that you said or did, it can chip away at you. It can cause you to go looking for a shortcoming that is not actually there.

Let me give you an example. A while back, I invited a friend to a party, but she mentioned that she had a conflict. I replied by telling her not to worry about missing the gathering and that we would get together some other time. Later, she told me that she felt uninvited and that she thought that my response indicated that I did not really want her to come. Now I knew that this was not true. I knew that I had not uninvited her and that my initial invitation was sincere. However, because she seemed upset, I called her and apologized. But what the hell was I apologizing for? I am responsible for my words and actions, not others’ interpretation. While this smoothed things over in the moment, it also set a precedent. After that, I noticed that she seemed to come to me with all sorts of gripes that really had nothing to do with me, but had everything to do with her. And before I knew it, I was in this perpetual state of apologizing and then started asking other friends if they thought that I was inconsiderate or rude.

I also found myself apologizing regularly at work. I would apologize for not meeting a deadline that I had already explained was unrealistic and could not be met with the time and resources allotted. But still, when the project did not complete in the time specified, I would find myself writing emails that began with “I apologize for the delay.” But why was I sorry? Had I failed? No. I had been professional and efficient. But still, I would accept the burden of some pseudo failure.

I had to decide that others did not have permission to park their issues at my doorstep. The truth is, I have enough issues of my own (some of which were clearly manifesting in my constant apologizing). The last thing I needed to be doing was taking on the weight of someone else’s unaddressed personal struggles which are really matters for them and their highly qualified and well-paid therapist to hash out.

My point? Be a decent human and take responsibility when you’re wrong. But don’t be out here apologizing for shit that isn’t on you. It becomes a bad habit and eventually messes with your mental health. “I ain’t sorry!” *Beyoncé voice.*